Failure is a word I think of often. Am I doing this right? Or Is this going to be a set up for failure?
I only ask myself these question's because I had no support system growing up... I think back and look at my childhood which I really DON'T like to do! I have very few memiors or happiness, more of pain and broken dream's....
As a child there wasn't hugs before bed and kisses at the end of a bed time story...
It was more of name calling and hitting because I don't clean or move fast enough! I didn't have a mom say I love you at every moment instead after cleaning and cooking for my younger step brother's and sister's I would get yelled at by my step dad or my mom for not doing something right!
Still I didn't hear I love you Gina I heard things like ( get you A## to bed your just like your daddy I hate you fat bi###)! then as I woke the next morning there would be a note from my mom telling how sorry she was and how much she love me! The day would be like the last or worse!!! She would send me to my dad and he was worse then her...... He would make me be his little wife!
Rubbing his back cleaning his house, washing the tub down to shine and then fixing the water with just alittle cold but not to much or he would kick me and pull my hair! Lots of times I would have to stay and babysit at 10 years old so my dad and step mom could go out and I'm not talking about ten minute's I'm talking about hours!I would get sick of being there and call my dad names or do something he wouldn't like so he would send me home! I remember my dad whopping me so bad one time for not fixing his tube water right I was bleeding... No lie 18 licks!!!! I couldn't sit down and the ride back to tn was so much pain but I had to sit straight up or he would back hand my face! When I got to my mom's I would have a busted lip back eye it didn't matter to neither of them back I was so wrong and what ever my littler sister's and brother's done was on me cause I was older!
I still have bad dreams and think about everything! I have no good relationship with my mom or my dad nor my step patents!!!! They robbed my childhood alone with the men who hurt me in other way's!
I know there are ppl out there whom has been hurt to links worse then mine! I pray and pray about everyone whom has hurt me and I think at times that Its because of something I've done... I've had this hate in my heart for so long.. I haven't fully let it go! I don't like to get close to women nor men at all it's hard for people to get past this wall! I set myself up for failure when letting people get to me when the truth is I'm god's child! He is my love,heart:) he can protect me only if I let him! I live for him...
I want something different for my three children! I tell them I love them at everything they do sometime my son Daniel is like (Gina I love you to but stop my friends are here) lol just the teenager in him..... I'm building a new support system GOD, husband and my three kids, church family what more could I need?
I still have some things to let go but I'm trying with all my might, the dream's are sometimes real like I'm in them and it's like they've hurt me all over again!!!!! I might need a person to talk to but it's hard to open up face to face you should see me now! My key board it wet!
Thanks for reading and sorry for the bad word's this is my heart talking and I just type!
